


Welcome to Derse

by aceoftwos



Category: Homestuck, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: M/M, but also does other science bc this place is so goddamn weird and he wants to know everything, dave is a radio host, everything is homestuck but in a wtnv kinda way, karkat is a psychologist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-10-12 11:28:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10489908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aceoftwos/pseuds/aceoftwos
Summary: DAVE: a new guy came into town todayDAVE: who is he?DAVE: what does he want from us?DAVE: why the fuck is he so angry?DAVE: no seriously why is he so angry, hes done nothing but yell since he got hereDAVE: hes been here for like two hours and hes still yellingDAVE: and you would not believe the shit coming out of his mouthDAVE: its fucking hilariousDAVE: ah fuck im off script againDAVE: where was i?





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Longest Surviving Intern at Night Vale Community Radio](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1051890) by [SiderealMessenger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SiderealMessenger/pseuds/SiderealMessenger). 



> this au is a clusterfuck of bad decisions and i completely blame the author of "the longest surviving intern of night vale radio" bc they absolutely inspired this. by that, i mean that i read the entire thing and immediately linked it to my friend. we both loved it. then we got talking and this au was born. 
> 
> note: my friend picked the weather from unused songs on the homestuck bandcamp. i basically told him to go nuts bc he loves that stuff. hope you get to hear something new.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _DAVE_ : a friendly desert community where the sun is hot the moon is beautiful and mysterious lights pass overheard while we all pretend to sleep  
>  _DAVE_ : welcome to derse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome, readers, to chapter one. this is the beginning of a very, very long adventure in the hopefully humorous re-writing of an 100+ ep podcast series.

_DAVE_ : sup listeners  

 _DAVE_ : to kick things off i got asked to read this note by the city council  

 _DAVE_ : theres a new dog park opening at the corner of earl and summerset, by the ralphs  

 _DAVE_ : heres a few reminders in case you didnt know about the mandatory lessons we all took and got ordered to forget way back in...  

 _DAVE_ : what was it, 1942? 2008?  

 _DAVE_ : dunno, guess i forgot  

 _DAVE_ : anyways  

 _DAVE_ : dogs are not allowed in the dog park  

 _DAVE_ : people are not allowed in the dog park  

 _DAVE_ : yeah i mean _you_ harley  

 _DAVE_ : keep yourself and your weird fucking dog away from that dog park  

 _DAVE_ : its not for dogs  

 _DAVE_ : its not for people  

 _DAVE_ : its not for anyone  

 _DAVE_ : youre gonna see hooded figures in the dog park  

 _DAVE_ : do not approach them  

 _DAVE_ : do not approach the dog park  

 _DAVE_ : i fucking mean it harley  

 _DAVE_ : the fence is electric and shit and can probably kill you  

 _DAVE_ : try not to look at the dog park and for fucks sakes dont fucking look at the hooded figures  

 _DAVE_ : seriously guys  

 _DAVE_ : you shouldve learned this shit in grade school  

 _DAVE_ : lesson one – dont look at hooded figures  

 _DAVE_ : goddamnit you people should fucking know better by now  

 _DAVE_ : its the leading cause of suspicious disappearances  

 _DAVE_ : at least we think so  

 _DAVE_ : nothings ever been found obviously so we dont know for sure  

 _DAVE_ : but its probably the reason  

 _DAVE_ : uh... where was i?  

 _DAVE_ : oh yeah  

 _DAVE_ : the dog park wont hurt you  

– **musical** **interlude** –  

 _DAVE_ : and now the news  

 _DAVE_ : harley, out near the car lot, says the angels revealed themselves to her  

 _DAVE_ : they called themselves sprites but whatever  

 _DAVE_ : same difference, am i right?  

 _DAVE_ : so the angels 

 _DAVE_ : said they were ten feet tall, radiant, and one of them looked like a… a puppet?  

 _DAVE_ : i swear to god if you threw that in just to fuck with me  

 _DAVE_ : shit, uh...  

 _DAVE_ : said they helped her with various household chores  

 _DAVE_ : one of them changed a light bulb for her – the porch light  

 _DAVE_ : shes offering to sell the old light bulb, which has been touched by an angel  

 _DAVE_ : it was the puppe—okay now i know youre fucking with me  

 _DAVE_ : i know where you sleep harley, fuck off  

 _DAVE_ : whatever  

 _DAVE_ : if youre interested, contact harley  

 _DAVE_ : shes out near the car lot  

– **musical** **interlude** –  

 _DAVE_ : a new guy came into town today  

 _DAVE_ : who is he?  

 _DAVE_ : what does he want from us?  

 _DAVE_ : why the fuck is he so angry?  

 _DAVE_ : no seriously why is he so angry, hes done nothing but yell since he got here  

 _DAVE_ : hes been here for like two hours and hes still yelling  

 _DAVE_ : and you would not believe the shit coming out of his mouth  

 _DAVE_ : its fucking hilarious  

 _DAVE_ : ah fuck im off script again  

 _DAVE_ : where was i?  

 _DAVE_ : oh yeah  

 _DAVE_ : why his fluffy ass hair?  

 _DAVE_ : why his perfect and beautiful sweater?  

 _DAVE_ : im going to steal that thing it looks comfy as shit  

 _DAVE_ : he says he is a scientist  

 _DAVE_ : well shit, havent we all been scientists at one point or another in our lives?  

 _DAVE_ : but why now?  

 _DAVE_ : why here?  

 _DAVE_ : and just what does he plan to do with all those leather settees and clipboards in the office hes renting – the one next to big ricos pizza?  

 _DAVE_ : no one does a slice like big ricos  

 _DAVE_ : no one  

– **musical** **interlude** –  

 _DAVE_ : just a reminder to all you guardians out there  

 _DAVE_ : heres the safety 411 when taking your kids out to play in the scrublands and sand wastes  

 _DAVE_ : need to give them lots of water  

 _DAVE_ : make sure theres a shade tree in the area  

 _DAVE_ : oh yeah, and keep an eye on the unmarked helicopter colors  

 _DAVE_ : are they black?  

 _DAVE_ : probably world government, good idea to keep your kids inside  

 _DAVE_ : are they blue?  

 _DAVE_ : thats the sheriffs secret police  

 _DAVE_ : theyll keep an eye on your kids and probably wont even take them  

 _DAVE_ : probably  

 _DAVE_ : are they painted with complex murals depicting birds of prey?  

 _DAVE_ : no one knows what those helicopters are or what they want  

 _DAVE_ : do not play in the area  

 _DAVE_ : return home and lock your doors until a sheriffs secret police officer leaves a carnation on your porch to indicate the danger has passed  

 _DAVE_ : cover your ears to blot out the screams  

 _DAVE_ : oh and remember  

 _DAVE_ : gatorade is pretty much soda  

 _DAVE_ : so give your kids some water and maybe some orange slices when they play  

 _DAVE_ : or dont  

 _DAVE_ : i dunno  

 _DAVE_ : im not the boss of you  

– **musical** **interlude** –  

 _DAVE_ : a commercial airliner flying through local airspace disappeared today  

 _DAVE_ : which honestly isnt that weird  

 _DAVE_ : shit disappears all the time  

 _DAVE_ : i still havent found the recorder i lost in second grade  

 _DAVE_ : but this time, the plane reappeared  

 _DAVE_ : fucking weird, right?  

 _DAVE_ : it showed up in the derse elementary gymnasium and disrupted practice  

 _DAVE_ : the jet roared through the small gym for only a fraction of a second  

 _DAVE_ : then before it could hit anyone or anything, it vanished  

 _DAVE_ : for good this time, probably  

 _DAVE_ : at least, no one knows where it went  

 _DAVE_ : thank fucking god things are back to normal again  

 _DAVE_ : there’s no word yet on if or how this will affect derse crocodiles game schedule or if this could be the work of the prospit iguanas  

 _DAVE_ : prospit is always trying to show us up with fancy uniforms, better pre-game snacks...  

 _DAVE_ : and maybe by transporting a commercial jet into our gym?  

 _DAVE_ : for shame, prospit  

 _DAVE_ : for fucking _shame_   

– **musical** **interlude** –  

 _DAVE_ : that new scientist  

 _DAVE_ : apparently his name is karkat which, for the record, super fucking weird name  

 _DAVE_ : what ever happened to normal names like carlos?  

 _DAVE_ : like really, carlos is such a rad name  

 _DAVE_ : why havent i ever met anyone named carlos?  

 _DAVE_ : carlos sounds like a cool fucking dude  

 _DAVE_ : enough about carlos, back on topic...  

 _DAVE_ : he called a town meeting  

 _DAVE_ : i mean karkat, the new scientist, not carlos  

 _DAVE_ : forget about carlos  

 _DAVE_ : im sure hes rad as hell but we need to stick with the program here  

 _DAVE_ : karkat  

 _DAVE_ : he has a pudgy nose and teeth like a fucking great white shark  

 _DAVE_ : or maybe a hammerhead  

 _DAVE_ : i failed my shark biology class  

 _DAVE_ : anyways  

 _DAVE_ : back to karkat  

 _DAVE_ : his hair is fluffy as shit  

 _DAVE_ : and we all hate and despair and love that fluffy hair in equal measure  

 _DAVE_ : harley brought her infamous disappearing pumpkins to the meeting  

 _DAVE_ : no word yet on if those are actually real or not  

 _DAVE_ : i mean  

 _DAVE_ : what pumpkin?  

 _DAVE_ : they were okay but a little salt goes a long way  

 _DAVE_ : do i have to get jane in there to show you how to use the kitchen again?  

 _DAVE_ : wait  

 _DAVE_ : whos jane?  

 _DAVE_ : sorry listeners  

 _DAVE_ : not sure why i said that  

 _DAVE_ : anyways  

 _DAVE_ : harley  

 _DAVE_ : up the salt content  

 _DAVE_ : so what if the angels stole yours for some prophetic mission or whatever  

 _DAVE_ : how hard is it to just ask the mailman if you can borrow some?  

 _DAVE_ : hes literally right there  

 _DAVE_ : outside your house  

 _DAVE_ : he never leaves  

 _DAVE_ : im sure hed be happy to lend you some salt  

 _DAVE_ : its an important part of a mailmans duty  

 _DAVE_ : just make sure youre not asking a mailwoman  

 _DAVE_ : they only sell paprika and theyre not nice about lending it  

 _DAVE_ : back to karkat  

 _DAVE_ : he told us that were the most psychologically interesting community in skaia and hes come to find out just what the fuck is going on around here  

 _DAVE_ : then he scowled and everything about him was fucking nerdy as shit and ridiculous  

 _DAVE_ : and i fell in love instantly…  

[ _distant feminine laughter_ ]  

 _DAVE_ : yeah, yeah laugh it up lalonde  

 _DAVE_ : just because youre faceless doesnt mean i cant see that smug smirk of yours from a mile away  

 _DAVE_ : you can go all freud on me later  

 _DAVE_ : what next, uh...   

 _DAVE_ : agents from a vague yet menacing government agency were in the back  

 _DAVE_ : just fucking staring like the creeps they are  

 _DAVE_ : shit  

 _DAVE_ : maybe i shouldntve said that  

 _DAVE_ : suddenly very afraid  

 _DAVE_ : for karkat  

 _DAVE_ : for derse  

 _DAVE_ : for all the people caught between what they know and what they dont know that they dont know  

 _DAVE_ : for me  

 _DAVE_ : i love you, vague yet menacing government agency  

 _DAVE_ : totally dont think youre creepy or anything  

 _DAVE_ : we cool?  

 _DAVE_ : yeah, we fucking cool  

 _DAVE_ : love you guys  

– **musical** **interlude** –  

 _DAVE_ : we got a press release this morning  

 _DAVE_ : lemme just find it…  

 _DAVE_ : ha, i got it!  

 _DAVE_ : lets see  

 _DAVE_ : the derse business association is proud to announce the opening of the brand-new derse harbor and waterfront recreation area  

 _DAVE_ : they invited me to check it out the other day and honestly?  

 _DAVE_ : pretty fucking dope  

 _DAVE_ : its eco-friendly, it has a boardwalk, food stands, and blah blah blah  

 _DAVE_ : its cool  

 _DAVE_ : check it for yourself  

 _DAVE_ : theres some concern about the lack of water  

 _DAVE_ : because we live in a desert and all  

 _DAVE_ : like right now the boardwalk is staring at a fuck load of sand and rocks  

 _DAVE_ : the business guys didnt really have a fix for that but they said itd be a big boost to the economy  

 _DAVE_ : i dunno  

 _DAVE_ : maybe wait for a flash flood?  

 _DAVE_ : either way, check it out  

 _DAVE_ : and remember to fill out the suggestion form and throw it into the rose bush on your way out  

 _DAVE_ : the yellow one  

 _DAVE_ : the derse business association will not be held accountable for those citizens that throw their suggestion forms into the red rose bush  

– **musical** **interlude** –  

 _DAVE_ : the local chapter of the nra is selling bumper stickers for fund-raising  

 _DAVE_ : they sent the station one to get some publicity  

 _DAVE_ : it reads…  

 _DAVE_ : ‘Guns don’t kill people. It’s impossible to be killed by a gun. We are all invincible to bullets and it’s a miracle.’  

 _DAVE_ : thank god we arent invincible to swords  

 _DAVE_ : invincible against?  

 _DAVE_ : you know what i mean  

 _DAVE_ : thank fucking god swords still work  

 _DAVE_ : or else id have to cut a bitch with safety scissors  

 _DAVE_ : anyways  

 _DAVE_ : stand outside your door and shout “nra” to order one  

– **musical** **interlude** –  

 _DAVE_ : karkat and his team of scientists want me to warn you listeners that one of the houses in the new development of desert creek actually _does_ exist  

 _DAVE_ : lemme read the report  

 _DAVE_ : ‘IT SEEMS LIKE IT SHOULD EXIST. LIKE IT’S JUST RIGHT THERE WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT. AND IT’S BETWEEN TWO IDENTICAL HOUSES, SO IT WOULD MAKE MORE SENSE FOR IT TO BE THERE THAN NOT. AND IT IS THERE. BUT NO ONE CAN FUCKING SEE IT FOR SOME BULLSHIT REASON THAT WE CAN’T FUCKING FIGURE OUT BECAUSE I’M SURROUNDED BY INCOMPETENT JACKA—.’  

 _DAVE_ : yeah im just gonna summarize the rest of this  

 _DAVE_ : theres a lot of swear words in here 

 _DAVE_ : and some really creative insults like damn, i'm impressed 

 _DAVE_ : but still 

 _DAVE_ : im trying to keep the airwaves pg here, karkles  

 _DAVE_ : watch your mouth  

 _DAVE_ : there are children present  

 _DAVE_ : so apparently theyve done experiments and the house is definitely there  

 _DAVE_ : its just invisible or something  

 _DAVE_ : right now the scientists are all huddled together on the sidewalk like a bunch of fucking baby otters in the most massive and adorable cuddle pile the world has ever seen  

 _DAVE_ : just daring each other to knock on the door 

 _DAVE_ : ... 

 _DAVE_ : cool  

 _DAVE_ : im gonna check back on them later  

– **musical** **interlude** –  

 _DAVE_ : a sick nasty howl was heard coming from the derse post office yesterday  

 _DAVE_ : people passing through said it sounded like ‘a human soul being destroyed though black magick’  

 _DAVE_ : orphaner dualscar—i dunno if youve seen this guy  

 _DAVE_ : real name is eridan  

 _DAVE_ : hes the weirdo that runs around wearing a dumb purple cape for some reason?  

 _DAVE_ : i mean  

 _DAVE_ : you do you, dude  

 _DAVE_ : be a motherfucking trendsetter  

 _DAVE_ : im sure someone will catch on to it eventually  

 _DAVE_ : …  

 _DAVE_ : okay probably not  

 _DAVE_ : capes will never be cool  

 _DAVE_ : but at least you tried  

 _DAVE_ : orphaner dualscar  

 _DAVE_ : eridan ampora  

 _DAVE_ : you guys all know who he is  

 _DAVE_ : he showed up on the scene and swore he would discover the truth  

 _DAVE_ : no one answered because its really hard to take him seriously in that cape especially when hes carrying that giant fucking rifle around  

 _DAVE_ : totally isnt compensating for anything  

 _DAVE_ : nope  

 _DAVE_ : nah  

 _DAVE_ : definitely doesnt have a tiny dick  

– **musical** **interlude** –  

 _DAVE_ : lights, seen above the arbys  

 _DAVE_ : not the glowing sign  

 _DAVE_ : something higher and beyond that  

 _DAVE_ : we know the difference  

 _DAVE_ : weve caught on to their game  

 _DAVE_ : we understand the lights above the arbys game  

 _DAVE_ : invaders from another world  

 _DAVE_ : im not talking about space jam here  

 _DAVE_ : the game has been confirmed to be definitely not basketball  

 _DAVE_ : dunno what it is yet but its not basketball  

 _DAVE_ : were thinking cricket or maybe foosball  

 _DAVE_ : the future is here, folks, and it’s about a hundred feet above the arbys  

 _DAVE_ : and now a word from our sponsors  

– **musical** **interlude** –  

 _DAVE_ : ‘Telus – the future is not friendly.

 _DAVE_ : ‘Run.

 _DAVE_ : ‘Faster.

 _DAVE_ : ‘It’s almost here.’ 

– **musical** **interlude** –  

 _DAVE_ : karkat and his scientists on route 800 say their seismic monitors are going nuts  

 _DAVE_ : indicating wild seismic shifts  

 _DAVE_ : meaning that the ground should be shaking like butts at the club  

 _DAVE_ : its not  

 _DAVE_ : just in case you were wondering  

 _DAVE_ : dunno about you, folks, but the ground out here has been about as still as the crust of a tiny ass globe rocketing through an endless cold void of terrifying bullshit could be  

 _DAVE_ : which is to say not at all  

 _DAVE_ : but karkat says theyve doubled checked their equipment and its all in working order  

 _DAVE_ : so the long and short of it is  

 _DAVE_ : there seems to be earthquakes happening all over derse that no one can feel  

 _DAVE_ : well  

 _DAVE_ : might as well submit an insurance claim, right?  

 _DAVE_ : see what you can get 

– **musical interlude** –  

 _DAVE_ : time for traffic  

 _DAVE_ : police are issuing warnings about ghost cars out on the highway  

 _DAVE_ : yknow those blurry dots on the edge of your vision that leave destinations unknown for destinations even more unknown?  

 _DAVE_ : those cars  

 _DAVE_ : just a reminder to not match their speed  

 _DAVE_ : could probably get you arrested  

 _DAVE_ : maybe  

 _DAVE_ : i dunno how to drive  

 _DAVE_ : they also say that its a-ok to match the speed of the mysterious lights in the sky  

 _DAVE_ : they seem to be cautious drivers  

 _DAVE_ : and now, the weather...  

* * *

  **[“Pumpkin Party In Sea Hitler’s Water Apocalypse” by Malcom Brown](https://homestuck.bandcamp.com/track/pumpkin-party-in-sea-hitlers-water-apocalypse)**   

* * *

 _DAVE_ : welcome back  

 _DAVE_ : the sun didnt set at the right time today  

 _DAVE_ : karkat and his team of scientists have checked lots of clocks and the sun was definitely ten minutes late to bed  

 _DAVE_ : i asked if they knew why but they didnt really answer  

 _DAVE_ : they most just sat around a desk clock and drew endless diagrams  

 _DAVE_ : there were so many clocks  

 _DAVE_ : fuck  

 _DAVE_ : i dont think i ever want to see another clock  

 _DAVE_ : fuck time  

 _DAVE_ : goddamnit im off script again  

 _DAVE_ : where the hell did i even put it?  

 _DAVE_ : ah  

 _DAVE_ : here we go  

 _DAVE_ : thank fucking god we have the sun  

 _DAVE_ : it can be hard to remember out here in the gross, desert heat but things would actually be harder without the sun  

 _DAVE_ : just a little  

 _DAVE_ : next time the sun rises  

 _DAVE_ : whenever the hell that is  

 _DAVE_ : take a quick sec to be grateful for all the warmth and light and shit were gifted with  

– **musical interlude** – 

 _DAVE_ : the city council wants to remind you guys about the tiered heavens and hierarchy of angels...  

 _DAVE_ : you shouldnt know anything about it  

 _DAVE_ : all of it is super top secret classified info only available to council members  

 _DAVE_ : just dont talk to any of the angels that you see while shopping at the ralphs or green sun bowling alley and arcade fun complex  

 _DAVE_ : fuck thats a lot of words  

 _DAVE_ : would it kill you to make an acronym?  

 _DAVE_ : angels  

 _DAVE_ : they only tell lies and dont exist  

 _DAVE_ : report all sightings to the city council for treatment  

– **musical interlude** – 

 _DAVE_ : and now a psa  

 _DAVE_ : alligators  

 _DAVE_ : can they kill your kids?  

 _DAVE_ : yes  

– **musical interlude** – 

 _DAVE_ : okay real talk  

 _DAVE_ : best way to die would be getting swallowed by a giant-ass snake with a cool name  

 _DAVE_ : like typheus  

 _DAVE_ : diving feet first into a slimy hole would give your life perfect symmetry  

 _DAVE_ : and i mean  

 _DAVE_ : itd also be fucking ironic  

 _DAVE_ : im all about that irony  

– **musical interlude** – 

 _DAVE_ : speaking of the green sun bowling alley and arcade fun complex  

 _DAVE_ : yknow what  

 _DAVE_ : fuck it  

 _DAVE_ : i aint gonna say that dumbass name every single time  

 _DAVE_ : speaking of the bowling alley  

 _DAVE:_ its owner, doc scratch, reports that hes found the lost city of atlantis  

 _DAVE_ : ...  

 _DAVE_ : nah  

 _DAVE_ : im just fucking with you  

 _DAVE_ : he did find an underground city is the pin retrieval area of lane five though  

 _DAVE_ : it was discovered when a bowling ball accidentally rolled into it  

 _DAVE_ : its probably not atlantis but who knows  

 _DAVE_ : doc scratch says he hasnt been down there yet  

 _DAVE_ : but apparently theres a fuckton of noise coming out of the city  

 _DAVE_ : especially after the bowling ball rolled down there and made a huge racket  

 _DAVE_ : so whatever is down there  

 _DAVE_ : friend or foe  

 _DAVE_ : they know that were up here now  

 _DAVE_ : and we might be hearing from them sometime soon...  

– **musical interlude** – 

 _DAVE_ : karkat  

 _DAVE_ : in all his adorably grumpy glory  

 _DAVE_ : stepped into the dj booth during the break earlier  

 _DAVE_ : he was carrying some sort of box with a bunch of buttons and dials and blinking lights  

 _DAVE_ : said he was testing the place for materials  

 _DAVE_ : dunno what kind of materials he meant but the box beeped and whistled a lot  

 _DAVE_ : so i guess he found it?  

 _DAVE_ : it really went nuts when he held it up to the microphone  

 _DAVE_ : karkat looked worried   

 _DAVE_ : ive never seen that kinda look on someone with resting bitchface  

 _DAVE_ : it was weird  

 _DAVE_ : he left in a hurry after that  

 _DAVE_ : said we should evacuate the building  

 _DAVE_ : but then who would be here to lay down all these sick beats for your listening pleasure?  

 _DAVE_ : he also said i was crazy  

 _DAVE_ : i think its a little early in our relationship to be using that kinda language tbh  

 _DAVE_ : thats a level six compliment, dude  

 _DAVE_ : you havent even unlocked my tragic backstory yet  

– **musical interlude** – 

 _DAVE_ : settling in to be another clear night  

 _DAVE_ : i hope all of you have someone to cuddle the shit out of tonight  

 _DAVE_ : or memories of a time you did  

 _DAVE_ : this is dj strider, signing off  

 _DAVE_ : later, listeners  

 **PROVERB** : Stay away from waterfalls. Except you, Guy Fieri. Niagra Falls is waiting for you.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> goodnight, readers.

**Author's Note:**

> and that's it so far! well, i guess just. comment if you enjoyed it? i'd like that. and feel free to talk to me on [tumblr](http://ao2fics.tumblr.com/)! my friend is a social media recluse so i can't link him in but i'll be sure to pass on all comments.


End file.
